Again

I have many demanding jobs. I am a mother of four. Yes I said four. While I obviously did not birth my two dogs they still demand my care and attention. I am a full time nurse, daughter, wife... Every day I am pulled in more directions than the day before. I have adapted to this way of life. As a mom that works full time it is hard to balance keeping up relationship, giving your children the attention they need, keeping house, and supporting my husband.

Last December my youngest turned one. When we found out the happy news that we were pregnant we started preparing our oldest. We praised her for how accepting she was of her new sister. She took on a very mothering role and became the protective big sister that we wanted her to be. They squabble of course but over all they adore each other. I never really paused to consider how my oldest felt about the new dynamic to the family. In one year we added three new family members when you count the dogs. This change took a lot of my attention away from her. She adapted so well though and never once complained.

Today one word turned my world upside down. "Again." Such a small word but packed with more meaning than I think she knew. She crawled onto my lap and said she had fun yesterday. Yesterday I took her to see the new Cinderella movie. It was a "mommy daughter" date. We left the little one at home. While she sat in my lap I commented on how fun it was to have some time alone with her and that's when she broke my heart with the word "again."

"I had so much fun. Just the two of us again."

Suddenly it hit me that she IS fully aware of the change. That she does have some sense of missing the days when it was just the two of us. My one year old still demands extra attention and will continue to until she masters eating certain foods, using stairs, and potty training. Today I am aware of just how important it for me to continue having a mommy daughter date with my oldest. I am proud of how well my oldest has accepted her sister and become my helper.

It may not seem significant to you reading this but today I've been heartbroken with a single word.


Again.

Cheater

Be prepared for a long post.

Let's start with 2012. Marla turned one and we carried on with life. Nothing really stands out for that year.

Ah. 2013. This year was filled with an emotional roller coaster.

January 2013 was normal. We worked, Jameson continued school and Marla continued to grow. As February dawned Jameson became more angry and withdrawn but said it was due to working and school. March rolls around and I feel like I'm pregnant. I think, "no way. We are taking plenty of measures to avoid that." Let me stop here and explain something. Marla nursed until around 15 or 18 months. Granted it was only right before bed but nursing "can" be a form of birth control. It's just not a fool proof one. At the end of February I had finally weaned Marla. April 1st 2013 I take a pregnancy test and it's immediately positive. I cried. I was not sure if these are happy tears or sad. We were not planning on getting pregnant so soon. God though has a plan and it is always better that what you plan for yourself.

In April Jameson skipped my birthday. In fact, everyone did. My family has pretty much been the type that once you're an adult- birthdays are just another day. I am ok with that to an extent. Growing up I knew that once I was an adult, that the "hoopla" of a birthday would go away but that my kids and husband should still make a fuss. Jameson completely ignored my birthday and Marla was only one so she couldn't really understand my depression over this.

In may Jameson's attitude continued to spiral into the gutter but I knew he was in his last semester and I thought that maybe the work load was still getting to him. I asked him if we were celebrating Mother's Day and he flat out said no. He was treating me with contempt and anger almost constantly. I made a small fuss over his birthday and not only did he not appreciate it but he almost seems angry at me for it.

In June he was at his worst. He constantly smelled like smoke. He was drinking more both at home and I would later find out, at school as well. He was lying to me and coming home at odd hours. I confronted him and asked him if he was cheating on me. He screamed at me that I needed to trust him and no he wasn't cheating. For Father's Day I just got him a card and his favorite candy. I had a feeling he was lying about cheating and I was mad.

In July we went to see a dear family member get married. She had asked me to do her photos. I was incredibly nervous. I love photography but I more love to edit. When we returned from Illinois jameson confessed that throughout June he had been cheating on me. He had unprotected oral and anal sex with three men. He even had a make out session with one of them. He was also sexting a girl from his culinary classes and they were planning to hook up and start a friends with benefits type relationship. He said he wanted to be dominated and was seeking a dominatrix. He also posted over 40 personal ads seeking condom free sex with men, women, transsexuals or all of the above. Many ads stated that a threesomes or an audience was welcome. He also responded to an ad where a woman asked that someone come get her pregnant. Seriously!?! He was willing to have a child with someone else and then just abandon the kid!! He also made plans with 4 other women to meet up. He claims none of those ever came to sex. He claims the offers/plans fell through and he just came home. In addition to posting over 40 ads, he responded to that many or more.

I have no idea why he cheated. He claims it was stress and the fact that he wrecked the car twice within 6 mo. That scares me because there will always be stress. That makes me think that he will always cheat. I truly don't know what to do. He is not the same loving man I married. He wants to try to make our marriage work but I've been building walls for so long now that I'm stuck on the other side with no motivation to bring them down. He says he's trying. Sometimes it feels like he's trying and I pull a piece of the wall down only to build it back up when he starts treating me with anger or ignoring me completely.

When I married him it was "for better or worse." I do not feel like I have any right biblically to abandon this marriage. Nor do I feel that infidelity is an excuse for divorce. I do think it will take a while to tear down the walls I built to protect myself. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to. I have a few really good friends; the kind you can not see for months and pick up later as if no time has passed. I need a best friend. Someone I talk to daily. Someone that we can lean on each other.

Anyway, so in August we discuss our family. We decided that it would be better to stop having kids. He chose to be a chef. This means that even 40 years from now- he will never make more than 45-50,000 per year. That is the average salary for your soux or exec chefs. At that income and with the fact that he has two college degrees and the loans that go with them - we would rather give our two girls a great life with less "we can't afford this" than to have 4-6 kids and constantly be telling them "we can't afford that kind of vacation, etc." We also discussed his willingness to get another woman pregnant. So- the end of the discussion resulted in us scheduling a vasectomy.

Jameson's parents enter the picture at this point. Now out of respect for them I will not air that dirty laundry. It's all a matter of "he said she said they said" etc. The summation though is that they disagreed with our decision for a vasectomy as well as a list of personal complaints that Gloria has against me.

Needless to say that now there is a calm feud going on. Calm feud you say? Yes, I know it sounds like an oxy moron but it's the best way I can describe it. Things were said that cannot be unsaid-- by both parties. At the moment there is a giant elephant in the room crushing us all yet we seem to pretend it doesn't exist.

I always dreamed of a mother in law who didn't see me as "the whore that seduced her son" but rather as "my other daughter." To Gloria I have never been "her other daughter" she always introduces me as "Jameson's wife, my sons wife, or just Ashley" I very rarely even get the label of "daughter in law" and never just "daughter." Yet there have been times that they have said "we're a family." Really? Then why am I always the sub par member or the black sheep. When told that they try to make me feel like family or treat me like family -- just ask Jameson and he can tell you that they are only treating me like family on the surface. Let's do some math.

A plus her two kids (B and C) are a family. A loves B and C
B gets married to D
A does not love D. However- because A loves B, A only seems to like D. Therefore
A+B+C= happy family
But B > D
So now ABC>D
And A would prefer that B-D to equal ABC again.
Maybe D just doesn't need to be part of the equation.

Things are very strained. My once dream of having in-laws be like second parents and having both my parents and in laws be friends/family is just that: a dream. Thing are strained with Jameson because trust is given. And j don't feel like I can trust him. Things are strained with the inlaws because I will never be good enough to them. I'm worth about the same to them as any other stranger on the street.

So, in September Jameson had surgery and Marla turned two. Due to the animosity, as well as the fact that we purchased a house that month- we chose not to have a birthday party for Marla. We just had pizza and I picked up a cake off clearance from Walmart. No special decorations or party dress. In fact- Marla ate in her Jammie's!

October/November were more of the same: work. But we were also moving and fixing up the house we bought. That's a topic for a different post. What a money pit!

December was a good month. Welcome to the world Ashlen Kayelle!! I now have two beautiful daughters! They are my pride and joy!

Maternity leave is almost over and not much has changed. Jameson is trying, I'm still behind a wall, the girls are my joy in life and my relationship with family is strained.

God is who gets me through. He provides for me daily and I rely on him. Perhaps I should rely on my husband some. But I know God will never fail me so I turn to Him for everything. Jameson has failed me over and over. He's only human but that doesn't make the pain any less.

For all of you who made it this far: congratulations. You may be wondering why I even posted as much as I did if I was "not going to air my dirty laundry." Well trust me. There is a LOT that I left out but I need an outlet. I can't talk to my parents because they too need to repair their relationship with Jameson. Aside from that- no one reads my blog. So it's actually a fairly private place.

A

My journey to a better me Day 1

Day one:

Today I added the visalus to my juice. This was probably not the best option. It tasted ok but the flavor of the protein is like cake mix and did not go well with my white grape juice. Today I did not use the appetite control. For lunch I ate a protein bar. I will admit though that I broke my diet in that a girl at the office brought in Timbits and I had four of them. Its hard to stop at just one when they are so small. Still- even with as small as they are- they are 90 cal each!!

My starting weight 205lbs.

Joys

I'm watching my daughter play as I write this. She is most definitely the love of my life. I love experiencing the world with her. Everything is new and puzzling. THANK YOU LORD FOR THE BEST DAUGHTER I COULD EVER ASK OR EVEN DREAM OF HAVING!!

Motherhood

I've been a mother now for 7 months. Marla is the absolute love of my life. I can't imagine life without her!

Blue, Cerulean, Glaucous, Azure

Life has been, odd, lately. Lately I have been working around 38 hours a week. That's pretty good I think considering that I am 9months pregnant. Lets start with work.

WORK

Work so far has been going well. For a while I was being sent to an office that I do not particularly enjoy working in. Now that I am close to delivering I am at MVFP. This is a great fit for me. Yes, every office has drama and irritations. Every office has gossip and heartache. Every office has cliques. The RN in MVFP has applied for a transfer. In addition to an open LPN position. Now the LPN position is open right now. I can't apply however because I am an RN. I really want to take the RN's spot once her transfer is approved. The only problem is that if the position becomes available while I'm on maternity leave then I am not eligible to apply until I come back. At that point I risk someone else being hired. Its getting stressful. I really want to apply for the transfer before I go on leave.

PREGNANCY

My pregnancy has been going well I guess. January- confirmed pregnancy and pretty much just felt like myself. February- still felt like myself, but maybe a bit more tired. Couldn't even tell I was pregnant if you looked at me. March- I looked a bit more pregnant but not really by much. I could still wear most of my clothes. I was definitely more tired. April- It was easier to tell that I was pregnant. I mostly just looked fat though. No morning sickness and by this point I was into the 2nd trimester so I was pretty much in the clear. May- Still feeling good though that was when I was around half way through the pregnancy. I started going to Columbus every month for U/S and had the stress of a "high risk" pregnancy. I still felt fine at this point. The most that ever happened with my pregnancy was an odd and constant craving for pizza. Lots of heartburn by this point but mostly only at night/early morning. June- Enter the hot months. I had to deal with insane swelling. I looked like the elephant man!! July- Even hotter temperatures. Swelling even more. Lots of dizziness. August- I switched to OSU completely. Still swelling and getting dizzy. September- I am finally in my last month. It seems to be taking forever to be honest. She is getting really big. I'm tired all of the time and I have finally gained enough weight that I am over my pre-pregnancy weight. It sucks. Here I thought I could get away with NOT gaining a ton. In reality I didn't gain a ton. I am only about 5lbs heavier than what I weighed before I was pregnant. I plan on working really hard to lose the weight after I give birth. It will be hard because I will be home for 6 weeks. When I am gone at work all day it is easier for me to lose weight. My two big issues are that I eat when I am bored and I am not very active. My goal while I am off for my Maternity leave is to walk every day and only eat 3 meals with no snacking unless its healthy snacking (fruits and veg.)

PHOTOGRAPHY

I may possibly get a short term/temp job. I am going to do a test run for a guy my husband and I know. Getting this job would be fantastic because for one- there is the income aspect and for two- I love editing. I just hope that he likes what I can do and decides to hire me. I will have plenty of time to devote to the job since I will be off work for 6 weeks. Although- I think I should use some of that time to clean and unpack as well.

Jameson is working two jobs right now. This sucks because I never see him anymore and when I do he is exhausted. I miss him. I really do.

Its a doozy- Can you make it to the end?

Let us reacquaint: As I sit and compose this I ponder at just how many people will actually read it. I also blog through Blogspot and will be posting it there as well but I know that no one follows me there either. Seeing as I have not much to do at the moment I shall simply let the words fly free and release some steam. I often forget that I have these outlets and find myself venting to my husband for which I am wholeheartedly ashamed. (Due mostly to the fact that a lot tends to involve his mother.) This is also posted on Xanga so keep that in mind as that is where I typed the original. Shall we start with school? I would say yes. Since I have not updated Xanga since Jan 2010 I hope you will be pleased to hear that I have graduated from Nursing school. I was quite close to graduating with honors too. I have since also passed my state boards and acquired a job working as a RN for Knox Community Hospital. November of 2010 Jameson and I moved into his parents house. They had moved out and offered to let us live there while it was on the market. This was a wonderful thing, or so we thought. It freed up the money to start paying my school loans back. At the time my loans came due I was still working at Burger King and we would not have been able to afford rent and loans. Now as a RN, we are managing but I'm getting ahead of myself. Living there was not terrible but it was inconvenient. When we moved in they still had a lot of stuff in the house. They were having a tag sale and so the main level of the home was set up for business. We essentially moved into the basement and there we stayed. Once the sale was done we were able to use the kitchen but for the most part the house was 80% empty. Our possessions remained packed in boxes because the realtor needed the house to look a certain way in order to sell it. Jameson and I eventually tired of living out of boxes and moved. We moved into a Condo. Another reason for this move was that if the house sold we wanted to make sure we had a place to live. We also needed to get a start on fulfilling our one year lease. Jameson wants to start culinary school in Fall of 2012 so we needed to start the lease now. The condo is nice but we are struggling financially. Jameson went down to only working one job and even then it is a part time job. It is very hard to survive on our limited income but the Lord is pulling us through. Sweety!! ITS POSITIVE!!! In January of 2011 we found out we were pregnant. On Christmas day Jameson and I decided that if we were going to try to have five children then we needed to start soon. I prayed about it and left it in Gods hands. I was on my cycle at the time and honestly figured it would take a while for us to get pregnant, thus wanting to start trying. January 1st we went to IL to visit someone whom I consider to be a sister and I was pretty sure that I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative. It was a disappointment but I had to tell myself that we'd only been trying for a short time and that even if I had gotten pregnant ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT that the at home tests don't usually register until you are at least three weeks pregnant. At the three week mark I took another test. It was positive. I came out from the bathroom and Jameson was standing literally right behind the door. "Well?" he said. I nodded. I didn't know what to do. Laugh? Cry? It was what I wanted but it was still a shock. Since then my pregnancy has been going fairly well. I didn't really have any morning sickness but I did get food poisoning and that felt like the end of the world. We had a scare with the baby but by the grace of God she is ok now. In two months or so she could come to meet us and I still don't know if I am ready. Am I ready to not be pregnant anymore? ABSOLUTELY. Am I ready to have the baby and be a mom? NO WAY! I will be a good mom, I know I will. I just don't know that I am ready. No one is ever ready to parent their first child. God will have to help a lot along the way because I feel like I don't know what I am doing. I've never been a parent before. That is pretty much the generic bits of life since my last post. Moved twice, got pregnant, quit BK, etc. As far as my complaints well- here goes: (feel free to stop here if you want.) MOM, He's not like them, AT ALL! Lets start with my own mother. I love her to death. She is a huge part of my life. She worries a lot though and it can get a little bit annoying. Sometimes, yes, I do need to see things from another perspective. The problem is- she doesn't let it go. She constantly see's the flaws in Jameson if they even remotely resemble my dad or my step-dad. I don't need those negative thoughts put into my head. I had to deal with my dad's attitude towards family/love growing up and I don't need to have that effect my marriage in a negative way. I'd rather learn from it and move on- not dwell on it and look for the same problems. Now- she brought up a good point. I need to stop venting to Jameson about his mom. HOWEVER- My mom needs to LET IT GO and not harp on me for it EVERY TIME SHE AND I TALK. I see those qualities in me sometimes- not letting things go- and its something I'm really trying to work on. Controlling, self centered, mother-in-law Now on to my mother in law. I am trying very hard to soften my heart towards her and pray for that very thing. Sometimes it is hard though. She can make me so angry that I want to cry. I need to find other sources to vent though rather than constantly complaining to J about his mother. She can be a very generous woman. I believe that she has a good heart in there somewhere but that she lets her insecurities get in the way. She has done plenty of nice things for Jameson and I and I in no way dislike her. She just makes decisions that hurt me. For example: Jameson and I eloped. When we told them about it she instantly blamed me. Essentially saying that I seduced her poor innocent son with my whoreish ways. Not her exact words but DEFINITELY the meaning behind them. There have been plenty of times I've been called -in not so many words- a liar. We moved on past that though and I felt that we were developing a decent relationship. Enter the news about the pregnancy. Now- I understand that she has never been pregnant. Guess what though- NEITHER HAVE I!! The date for my first ultrasound comes and she asks what times she needs to be there. Jameson and I had made it VERY clear that the only ultrasound family could come to was the one that determines the gender at 20weeks gestation. Somehow my in-laws didn't grasp that information and blamed us for THEIR misunderstanding. Funny- everyone else knew the plans, so why not them as well. Anyway- she had a fit and sulked the rest of the day because she couldn't come. The thing you need to understand about my mother in law is that she needs to be the center of attention, ALL OF THE TIME, and have things to brag about it. My father in law- in response to her not coming- stated that I needed to stop being so selfish with this pregnancy and that it was their baby too. "We're (as he gestures towards the four of us) having a baby." Thats funny- they're having a baby too??? Even that though was something I could eventually move past. Does it upset me that she feels like this is her baby too? ABSOLUTELY! She considers this her first pregnancy and her baby... SO THEN WHY AM I THE ONE DEALING WITH THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING PREGNANT AND NOT HER??! This is one area where I feel like she MAJORLY needs to back off. Her friend is throwing a baby shower. I was told that there would be 40 of her friends there and that I should take my friends out to a restaurant. That infuriated me. "You would have more fun if you took your friends to olive garden." REALLY??? So not only are my friends not welcome but you basically just said I'm not going to enjoy the shower you're throwing. 40 people that I do not personally know. The best I can hope for is to maybe recognize someone by face but I don't KNOW any of them. Again- things are about her. I will simply be there as the pregnant surrogate that she can parade around while everyone congratulates her on being a grandma. This has stressed me out to no end! Finally, in the end I was allowed to invite my friends. Still- most of them wont come. We all work as nurses with busy schedules and all of her friends are essentially always free. I honestly think that if I could rewind- and say from the beginning, "This is my first pregnancy, I make no promises to include anyone at any time. I plan on sharing this experience with my husband and him only." that maybe things wouldn't be as tense as they are now. All I can say is that for now- I am hurt. VERY HURT and don't know when or how long it will take until my relationship with her is repaired. I have forgiven her but I can't say that I enjoy her company any longer. Finale Overall- life is good at the moment. I only have a couple months left until I meet my little girl. My only fear is what drama that will bring to the table with my in-laws. Work is decent even with my $4 pay cut. We're surviving by the grace of God. I really can't complain about life. It could be worse.