Its a doozy- Can you make it to the end?

Let us reacquaint: As I sit and compose this I ponder at just how many people will actually read it. I also blog through Blogspot and will be posting it there as well but I know that no one follows me there either. Seeing as I have not much to do at the moment I shall simply let the words fly free and release some steam. I often forget that I have these outlets and find myself venting to my husband for which I am wholeheartedly ashamed. (Due mostly to the fact that a lot tends to involve his mother.) This is also posted on Xanga so keep that in mind as that is where I typed the original. Shall we start with school? I would say yes. Since I have not updated Xanga since Jan 2010 I hope you will be pleased to hear that I have graduated from Nursing school. I was quite close to graduating with honors too. I have since also passed my state boards and acquired a job working as a RN for Knox Community Hospital. November of 2010 Jameson and I moved into his parents house. They had moved out and offered to let us live there while it was on the market. This was a wonderful thing, or so we thought. It freed up the money to start paying my school loans back. At the time my loans came due I was still working at Burger King and we would not have been able to afford rent and loans. Now as a RN, we are managing but I'm getting ahead of myself. Living there was not terrible but it was inconvenient. When we moved in they still had a lot of stuff in the house. They were having a tag sale and so the main level of the home was set up for business. We essentially moved into the basement and there we stayed. Once the sale was done we were able to use the kitchen but for the most part the house was 80% empty. Our possessions remained packed in boxes because the realtor needed the house to look a certain way in order to sell it. Jameson and I eventually tired of living out of boxes and moved. We moved into a Condo. Another reason for this move was that if the house sold we wanted to make sure we had a place to live. We also needed to get a start on fulfilling our one year lease. Jameson wants to start culinary school in Fall of 2012 so we needed to start the lease now. The condo is nice but we are struggling financially. Jameson went down to only working one job and even then it is a part time job. It is very hard to survive on our limited income but the Lord is pulling us through. Sweety!! ITS POSITIVE!!! In January of 2011 we found out we were pregnant. On Christmas day Jameson and I decided that if we were going to try to have five children then we needed to start soon. I prayed about it and left it in Gods hands. I was on my cycle at the time and honestly figured it would take a while for us to get pregnant, thus wanting to start trying. January 1st we went to IL to visit someone whom I consider to be a sister and I was pretty sure that I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative. It was a disappointment but I had to tell myself that we'd only been trying for a short time and that even if I had gotten pregnant ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT that the at home tests don't usually register until you are at least three weeks pregnant. At the three week mark I took another test. It was positive. I came out from the bathroom and Jameson was standing literally right behind the door. "Well?" he said. I nodded. I didn't know what to do. Laugh? Cry? It was what I wanted but it was still a shock. Since then my pregnancy has been going fairly well. I didn't really have any morning sickness but I did get food poisoning and that felt like the end of the world. We had a scare with the baby but by the grace of God she is ok now. In two months or so she could come to meet us and I still don't know if I am ready. Am I ready to not be pregnant anymore? ABSOLUTELY. Am I ready to have the baby and be a mom? NO WAY! I will be a good mom, I know I will. I just don't know that I am ready. No one is ever ready to parent their first child. God will have to help a lot along the way because I feel like I don't know what I am doing. I've never been a parent before. That is pretty much the generic bits of life since my last post. Moved twice, got pregnant, quit BK, etc. As far as my complaints well- here goes: (feel free to stop here if you want.) MOM, He's not like them, AT ALL! Lets start with my own mother. I love her to death. She is a huge part of my life. She worries a lot though and it can get a little bit annoying. Sometimes, yes, I do need to see things from another perspective. The problem is- she doesn't let it go. She constantly see's the flaws in Jameson if they even remotely resemble my dad or my step-dad. I don't need those negative thoughts put into my head. I had to deal with my dad's attitude towards family/love growing up and I don't need to have that effect my marriage in a negative way. I'd rather learn from it and move on- not dwell on it and look for the same problems. Now- she brought up a good point. I need to stop venting to Jameson about his mom. HOWEVER- My mom needs to LET IT GO and not harp on me for it EVERY TIME SHE AND I TALK. I see those qualities in me sometimes- not letting things go- and its something I'm really trying to work on. Controlling, self centered, mother-in-law Now on to my mother in law. I am trying very hard to soften my heart towards her and pray for that very thing. Sometimes it is hard though. She can make me so angry that I want to cry. I need to find other sources to vent though rather than constantly complaining to J about his mother. She can be a very generous woman. I believe that she has a good heart in there somewhere but that she lets her insecurities get in the way. She has done plenty of nice things for Jameson and I and I in no way dislike her. She just makes decisions that hurt me. For example: Jameson and I eloped. When we told them about it she instantly blamed me. Essentially saying that I seduced her poor innocent son with my whoreish ways. Not her exact words but DEFINITELY the meaning behind them. There have been plenty of times I've been called -in not so many words- a liar. We moved on past that though and I felt that we were developing a decent relationship. Enter the news about the pregnancy. Now- I understand that she has never been pregnant. Guess what though- NEITHER HAVE I!! The date for my first ultrasound comes and she asks what times she needs to be there. Jameson and I had made it VERY clear that the only ultrasound family could come to was the one that determines the gender at 20weeks gestation. Somehow my in-laws didn't grasp that information and blamed us for THEIR misunderstanding. Funny- everyone else knew the plans, so why not them as well. Anyway- she had a fit and sulked the rest of the day because she couldn't come. The thing you need to understand about my mother in law is that she needs to be the center of attention, ALL OF THE TIME, and have things to brag about it. My father in law- in response to her not coming- stated that I needed to stop being so selfish with this pregnancy and that it was their baby too. "We're (as he gestures towards the four of us) having a baby." Thats funny- they're having a baby too??? Even that though was something I could eventually move past. Does it upset me that she feels like this is her baby too? ABSOLUTELY! She considers this her first pregnancy and her baby... SO THEN WHY AM I THE ONE DEALING WITH THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING PREGNANT AND NOT HER??! This is one area where I feel like she MAJORLY needs to back off. Her friend is throwing a baby shower. I was told that there would be 40 of her friends there and that I should take my friends out to a restaurant. That infuriated me. "You would have more fun if you took your friends to olive garden." REALLY??? So not only are my friends not welcome but you basically just said I'm not going to enjoy the shower you're throwing. 40 people that I do not personally know. The best I can hope for is to maybe recognize someone by face but I don't KNOW any of them. Again- things are about her. I will simply be there as the pregnant surrogate that she can parade around while everyone congratulates her on being a grandma. This has stressed me out to no end! Finally, in the end I was allowed to invite my friends. Still- most of them wont come. We all work as nurses with busy schedules and all of her friends are essentially always free. I honestly think that if I could rewind- and say from the beginning, "This is my first pregnancy, I make no promises to include anyone at any time. I plan on sharing this experience with my husband and him only." that maybe things wouldn't be as tense as they are now. All I can say is that for now- I am hurt. VERY HURT and don't know when or how long it will take until my relationship with her is repaired. I have forgiven her but I can't say that I enjoy her company any longer. Finale Overall- life is good at the moment. I only have a couple months left until I meet my little girl. My only fear is what drama that will bring to the table with my in-laws. Work is decent even with my $4 pay cut. We're surviving by the grace of God. I really can't complain about life. It could be worse.