Be prepared for a long post.
Let's start with 2012. Marla turned one and we carried on with life. Nothing really stands out for that year.
Ah. 2013. This year was filled with an emotional roller coaster.
January 2013 was normal. We worked, Jameson continued school and Marla continued to grow. As February dawned Jameson became more angry and withdrawn but said it was due to working and school. March rolls around and I feel like I'm pregnant. I think, "no way. We are taking plenty of measures to avoid that." Let me stop here and explain something. Marla nursed until around 15 or 18 months. Granted it was only right before bed but nursing "can" be a form of birth control. It's just not a fool proof one. At the end of February I had finally weaned Marla. April 1st 2013 I take a pregnancy test and it's immediately positive. I cried. I was not sure if these are happy tears or sad. We were not planning on getting pregnant so soon. God though has a plan and it is always better that what you plan for yourself.
In April Jameson skipped my birthday. In fact, everyone did. My family has pretty much been the type that once you're an adult- birthdays are just another day. I am ok with that to an extent. Growing up I knew that once I was an adult, that the "hoopla" of a birthday would go away but that my kids and husband should still make a fuss. Jameson completely ignored my birthday and Marla was only one so she couldn't really understand my depression over this.
In may Jameson's attitude continued to spiral into the gutter but I knew he was in his last semester and I thought that maybe the work load was still getting to him. I asked him if we were celebrating Mother's Day and he flat out said no. He was treating me with contempt and anger almost constantly. I made a small fuss over his birthday and not only did he not appreciate it but he almost seems angry at me for it.
In June he was at his worst. He constantly smelled like smoke. He was drinking more both at home and I would later find out, at school as well. He was lying to me and coming home at odd hours. I confronted him and asked him if he was cheating on me. He screamed at me that I needed to trust him and no he wasn't cheating. For Father's Day I just got him a card and his favorite candy. I had a feeling he was lying about cheating and I was mad.
In July we went to see a dear family member get married. She had asked me to do her photos. I was incredibly nervous. I love photography but I more love to edit. When we returned from Illinois jameson confessed that throughout June he had been cheating on me. He had unprotected oral and anal sex with three men. He even had a make out session with one of them. He was also sexting a girl from his culinary classes and they were planning to hook up and start a friends with benefits type relationship. He said he wanted to be dominated and was seeking a dominatrix. He also posted over 40 personal ads seeking condom free sex with men, women, transsexuals or all of the above. Many ads stated that a threesomes or an audience was welcome. He also responded to an ad where a woman asked that someone come get her pregnant. Seriously!?! He was willing to have a child with someone else and then just abandon the kid!! He also made plans with 4 other women to meet up. He claims none of those ever came to sex. He claims the offers/plans fell through and he just came home. In addition to posting over 40 ads, he responded to that many or more.
I have no idea why he cheated. He claims it was stress and the fact that he wrecked the car twice within 6 mo. That scares me because there will always be stress. That makes me think that he will always cheat. I truly don't know what to do. He is not the same loving man I married. He wants to try to make our marriage work but I've been building walls for so long now that I'm stuck on the other side with no motivation to bring them down. He says he's trying. Sometimes it feels like he's trying and I pull a piece of the wall down only to build it back up when he starts treating me with anger or ignoring me completely.
When I married him it was "for better or worse." I do not feel like I have any right biblically to abandon this marriage. Nor do I feel that infidelity is an excuse for divorce. I do think it will take a while to tear down the walls I built to protect myself. I don't really have a lot of people I can talk to. I have a few really good friends; the kind you can not see for months and pick up later as if no time has passed. I need a best friend. Someone I talk to daily. Someone that we can lean on each other.
Anyway, so in August we discuss our family. We decided that it would be better to stop having kids. He chose to be a chef. This means that even 40 years from now- he will never make more than 45-50,000 per year. That is the average salary for your soux or exec chefs. At that income and with the fact that he has two college degrees and the loans that go with them - we would rather give our two girls a great life with less "we can't afford this" than to have 4-6 kids and constantly be telling them "we can't afford that kind of vacation, etc." We also discussed his willingness to get another woman pregnant. So- the end of the discussion resulted in us scheduling a vasectomy.
Jameson's parents enter the picture at this point. Now out of respect for them I will not air that dirty laundry. It's all a matter of "he said she said they said" etc. The summation though is that they disagreed with our decision for a vasectomy as well as a list of personal complaints that Gloria has against me.
Needless to say that now there is a calm feud going on. Calm feud you say? Yes, I know it sounds like an oxy moron but it's the best way I can describe it. Things were said that cannot be unsaid-- by both parties. At the moment there is a giant elephant in the room crushing us all yet we seem to pretend it doesn't exist.
I always dreamed of a mother in law who didn't see me as "the whore that seduced her son" but rather as "my other daughter." To Gloria I have never been "her other daughter" she always introduces me as "Jameson's wife, my sons wife, or just Ashley" I very rarely even get the label of "daughter in law" and never just "daughter." Yet there have been times that they have said "we're a family." Really? Then why am I always the sub par member or the black sheep. When told that they try to make me feel like family or treat me like family -- just ask Jameson and he can tell you that they are only treating me like family on the surface. Let's do some math.
A plus her two kids (B and C) are a family. A loves B and C
B gets married to D
A does not love D. However- because A loves B, A only seems to like D. Therefore
A+B+C= happy family
But B > D
So now ABC>D
And A would prefer that B-D to equal ABC again.
Maybe D just doesn't need to be part of the equation.
Things are very strained. My once dream of having in-laws be like second parents and having both my parents and in laws be friends/family is just that: a dream. Thing are strained with Jameson because trust is given. And j don't feel like I can trust him. Things are strained with the inlaws because I will never be good enough to them. I'm worth about the same to them as any other stranger on the street.
So, in September Jameson had surgery and Marla turned two. Due to the animosity, as well as the fact that we purchased a house that month- we chose not to have a birthday party for Marla. We just had pizza and I picked up a cake off clearance from Walmart. No special decorations or party dress. In fact- Marla ate in her Jammie's!
October/November were more of the same: work. But we were also moving and fixing up the house we bought. That's a topic for a different post. What a money pit!
December was a good month. Welcome to the world Ashlen Kayelle!! I now have two beautiful daughters! They are my pride and joy!
Maternity leave is almost over and not much has changed. Jameson is trying, I'm still behind a wall, the girls are my joy in life and my relationship with family is strained.
God is who gets me through. He provides for me daily and I rely on him. Perhaps I should rely on my husband some. But I know God will never fail me so I turn to Him for everything. Jameson has failed me over and over. He's only human but that doesn't make the pain any less.
For all of you who made it this far: congratulations. You may be wondering why I even posted as much as I did if I was "not going to air my dirty laundry." Well trust me. There is a LOT that I left out but I need an outlet. I can't talk to my parents because they too need to repair their relationship with Jameson. Aside from that- no one reads my blog. So it's actually a fairly private place.
A
