Blue, Cerulean, Glaucous, Azure

Life has been, odd, lately. Lately I have been working around 38 hours a week. That's pretty good I think considering that I am 9months pregnant. Lets start with work.

WORK

Work so far has been going well. For a while I was being sent to an office that I do not particularly enjoy working in. Now that I am close to delivering I am at MVFP. This is a great fit for me. Yes, every office has drama and irritations. Every office has gossip and heartache. Every office has cliques. The RN in MVFP has applied for a transfer. In addition to an open LPN position. Now the LPN position is open right now. I can't apply however because I am an RN. I really want to take the RN's spot once her transfer is approved. The only problem is that if the position becomes available while I'm on maternity leave then I am not eligible to apply until I come back. At that point I risk someone else being hired. Its getting stressful. I really want to apply for the transfer before I go on leave.

PREGNANCY

My pregnancy has been going well I guess. January- confirmed pregnancy and pretty much just felt like myself. February- still felt like myself, but maybe a bit more tired. Couldn't even tell I was pregnant if you looked at me. March- I looked a bit more pregnant but not really by much. I could still wear most of my clothes. I was definitely more tired. April- It was easier to tell that I was pregnant. I mostly just looked fat though. No morning sickness and by this point I was into the 2nd trimester so I was pretty much in the clear. May- Still feeling good though that was when I was around half way through the pregnancy. I started going to Columbus every month for U/S and had the stress of a "high risk" pregnancy. I still felt fine at this point. The most that ever happened with my pregnancy was an odd and constant craving for pizza. Lots of heartburn by this point but mostly only at night/early morning. June- Enter the hot months. I had to deal with insane swelling. I looked like the elephant man!! July- Even hotter temperatures. Swelling even more. Lots of dizziness. August- I switched to OSU completely. Still swelling and getting dizzy. September- I am finally in my last month. It seems to be taking forever to be honest. She is getting really big. I'm tired all of the time and I have finally gained enough weight that I am over my pre-pregnancy weight. It sucks. Here I thought I could get away with NOT gaining a ton. In reality I didn't gain a ton. I am only about 5lbs heavier than what I weighed before I was pregnant. I plan on working really hard to lose the weight after I give birth. It will be hard because I will be home for 6 weeks. When I am gone at work all day it is easier for me to lose weight. My two big issues are that I eat when I am bored and I am not very active. My goal while I am off for my Maternity leave is to walk every day and only eat 3 meals with no snacking unless its healthy snacking (fruits and veg.)

PHOTOGRAPHY

I may possibly get a short term/temp job. I am going to do a test run for a guy my husband and I know. Getting this job would be fantastic because for one- there is the income aspect and for two- I love editing. I just hope that he likes what I can do and decides to hire me. I will have plenty of time to devote to the job since I will be off work for 6 weeks. Although- I think I should use some of that time to clean and unpack as well.

Jameson is working two jobs right now. This sucks because I never see him anymore and when I do he is exhausted. I miss him. I really do.

Its a doozy- Can you make it to the end?

Let us reacquaint: As I sit and compose this I ponder at just how many people will actually read it. I also blog through Blogspot and will be posting it there as well but I know that no one follows me there either. Seeing as I have not much to do at the moment I shall simply let the words fly free and release some steam. I often forget that I have these outlets and find myself venting to my husband for which I am wholeheartedly ashamed. (Due mostly to the fact that a lot tends to involve his mother.) This is also posted on Xanga so keep that in mind as that is where I typed the original. Shall we start with school? I would say yes. Since I have not updated Xanga since Jan 2010 I hope you will be pleased to hear that I have graduated from Nursing school. I was quite close to graduating with honors too. I have since also passed my state boards and acquired a job working as a RN for Knox Community Hospital. November of 2010 Jameson and I moved into his parents house. They had moved out and offered to let us live there while it was on the market. This was a wonderful thing, or so we thought. It freed up the money to start paying my school loans back. At the time my loans came due I was still working at Burger King and we would not have been able to afford rent and loans. Now as a RN, we are managing but I'm getting ahead of myself. Living there was not terrible but it was inconvenient. When we moved in they still had a lot of stuff in the house. They were having a tag sale and so the main level of the home was set up for business. We essentially moved into the basement and there we stayed. Once the sale was done we were able to use the kitchen but for the most part the house was 80% empty. Our possessions remained packed in boxes because the realtor needed the house to look a certain way in order to sell it. Jameson and I eventually tired of living out of boxes and moved. We moved into a Condo. Another reason for this move was that if the house sold we wanted to make sure we had a place to live. We also needed to get a start on fulfilling our one year lease. Jameson wants to start culinary school in Fall of 2012 so we needed to start the lease now. The condo is nice but we are struggling financially. Jameson went down to only working one job and even then it is a part time job. It is very hard to survive on our limited income but the Lord is pulling us through. Sweety!! ITS POSITIVE!!! In January of 2011 we found out we were pregnant. On Christmas day Jameson and I decided that if we were going to try to have five children then we needed to start soon. I prayed about it and left it in Gods hands. I was on my cycle at the time and honestly figured it would take a while for us to get pregnant, thus wanting to start trying. January 1st we went to IL to visit someone whom I consider to be a sister and I was pretty sure that I was pregnant. I took a pregnancy test but it was negative. It was a disappointment but I had to tell myself that we'd only been trying for a short time and that even if I had gotten pregnant ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT that the at home tests don't usually register until you are at least three weeks pregnant. At the three week mark I took another test. It was positive. I came out from the bathroom and Jameson was standing literally right behind the door. "Well?" he said. I nodded. I didn't know what to do. Laugh? Cry? It was what I wanted but it was still a shock. Since then my pregnancy has been going fairly well. I didn't really have any morning sickness but I did get food poisoning and that felt like the end of the world. We had a scare with the baby but by the grace of God she is ok now. In two months or so she could come to meet us and I still don't know if I am ready. Am I ready to not be pregnant anymore? ABSOLUTELY. Am I ready to have the baby and be a mom? NO WAY! I will be a good mom, I know I will. I just don't know that I am ready. No one is ever ready to parent their first child. God will have to help a lot along the way because I feel like I don't know what I am doing. I've never been a parent before. That is pretty much the generic bits of life since my last post. Moved twice, got pregnant, quit BK, etc. As far as my complaints well- here goes: (feel free to stop here if you want.) MOM, He's not like them, AT ALL! Lets start with my own mother. I love her to death. She is a huge part of my life. She worries a lot though and it can get a little bit annoying. Sometimes, yes, I do need to see things from another perspective. The problem is- she doesn't let it go. She constantly see's the flaws in Jameson if they even remotely resemble my dad or my step-dad. I don't need those negative thoughts put into my head. I had to deal with my dad's attitude towards family/love growing up and I don't need to have that effect my marriage in a negative way. I'd rather learn from it and move on- not dwell on it and look for the same problems. Now- she brought up a good point. I need to stop venting to Jameson about his mom. HOWEVER- My mom needs to LET IT GO and not harp on me for it EVERY TIME SHE AND I TALK. I see those qualities in me sometimes- not letting things go- and its something I'm really trying to work on. Controlling, self centered, mother-in-law Now on to my mother in law. I am trying very hard to soften my heart towards her and pray for that very thing. Sometimes it is hard though. She can make me so angry that I want to cry. I need to find other sources to vent though rather than constantly complaining to J about his mother. She can be a very generous woman. I believe that she has a good heart in there somewhere but that she lets her insecurities get in the way. She has done plenty of nice things for Jameson and I and I in no way dislike her. She just makes decisions that hurt me. For example: Jameson and I eloped. When we told them about it she instantly blamed me. Essentially saying that I seduced her poor innocent son with my whoreish ways. Not her exact words but DEFINITELY the meaning behind them. There have been plenty of times I've been called -in not so many words- a liar. We moved on past that though and I felt that we were developing a decent relationship. Enter the news about the pregnancy. Now- I understand that she has never been pregnant. Guess what though- NEITHER HAVE I!! The date for my first ultrasound comes and she asks what times she needs to be there. Jameson and I had made it VERY clear that the only ultrasound family could come to was the one that determines the gender at 20weeks gestation. Somehow my in-laws didn't grasp that information and blamed us for THEIR misunderstanding. Funny- everyone else knew the plans, so why not them as well. Anyway- she had a fit and sulked the rest of the day because she couldn't come. The thing you need to understand about my mother in law is that she needs to be the center of attention, ALL OF THE TIME, and have things to brag about it. My father in law- in response to her not coming- stated that I needed to stop being so selfish with this pregnancy and that it was their baby too. "We're (as he gestures towards the four of us) having a baby." Thats funny- they're having a baby too??? Even that though was something I could eventually move past. Does it upset me that she feels like this is her baby too? ABSOLUTELY! She considers this her first pregnancy and her baby... SO THEN WHY AM I THE ONE DEALING WITH THE SIDE EFFECTS OF BEING PREGNANT AND NOT HER??! This is one area where I feel like she MAJORLY needs to back off. Her friend is throwing a baby shower. I was told that there would be 40 of her friends there and that I should take my friends out to a restaurant. That infuriated me. "You would have more fun if you took your friends to olive garden." REALLY??? So not only are my friends not welcome but you basically just said I'm not going to enjoy the shower you're throwing. 40 people that I do not personally know. The best I can hope for is to maybe recognize someone by face but I don't KNOW any of them. Again- things are about her. I will simply be there as the pregnant surrogate that she can parade around while everyone congratulates her on being a grandma. This has stressed me out to no end! Finally, in the end I was allowed to invite my friends. Still- most of them wont come. We all work as nurses with busy schedules and all of her friends are essentially always free. I honestly think that if I could rewind- and say from the beginning, "This is my first pregnancy, I make no promises to include anyone at any time. I plan on sharing this experience with my husband and him only." that maybe things wouldn't be as tense as they are now. All I can say is that for now- I am hurt. VERY HURT and don't know when or how long it will take until my relationship with her is repaired. I have forgiven her but I can't say that I enjoy her company any longer. Finale Overall- life is good at the moment. I only have a couple months left until I meet my little girl. My only fear is what drama that will bring to the table with my in-laws. Work is decent even with my $4 pay cut. We're surviving by the grace of God. I really can't complain about life. It could be worse.

Fa la la la la... la la.. la... *sigh*... La...

Seeing as how absolutely no one follows my blog, my twitter, my xanga... etc. I do not begin to understand why I even keep these accounts active except for the people that I follow. However, that is not the point/topic of my post.

It is December and I have not posted in a few months. I feel the urge to write, even if it is not actual writing and something that no one will see.

As my previous post stated, I graduated June 12th 2010. For some reason I keep thinking that I graduated in July when in fact I did not. I took my boards on July 7th and failed. The day before my best friend's wedding (yes, I know... "ha ha its a movie [/sarcasm]") I was informed of my failure. I spent the majority of the rehearsal attempting to keep my tears safely hidden inside as well as appear to show my great happiness that my BF was now marrying her new eternal BFF and soul mate. ;-) I am and was truly happy for her, but was sidetracked by my depressing news. I retook my boards on August 28th. Now bare in mind that I did not study. I felt like I remembered most of what I learned in the Hurst review and so I felt WAY over confident. Not to mention the fact that my boss interpreted the term "graduation" as "you can now work 40 + hours." From July 7th to August 28th, I again was consumed with work, fell ill a couple of times, and was exhausted almost 24/7. Still, even in my down time my study was minimal. Yes, I studied 50X harder than before but that is not hard considering I didn't study at all the first time. So, 2 days after my 2nd attempt I was again informed of my failure. BOTH times that I failed, I barely failed. This to me is worse than completely bombing it. Had I bombed it, I might have been more motivated to study. Barely failing told me that I had the knowledge, I just needed the smallest amount more. Attempt 3 I was successful. I actually studied for attempt 3. Mind you, I did not study hard, but I did take a few practice tests and read through a few review books. I passed by a landslide. I am kicking myself because if I would've just applied myself from the start I would've saved myself a LOT of money and heartache. I am now a registered nurse and I am currently looking for a job. Absolutely NO ONE right now is hiring. It is very difficult to find a nursing job.

We are living in my in-laws house that they are trying to sell. Its nice because I don't have to pay rent but its a huge step of faith because we could be homeless at any moment.

My husband and I have decided to leave the fate of pregnancy in the Lord's hands. I will be 24 this coming year and due to certain health concerns I've been informed that when I hit 35, if I have not had my first child by that age, then I will have to adopt or face possible adverse effects. Seeing as how we want a mid-sized/larger family, I feel we are losing time. I am not 100% sure I am ready for children right now, this is yet another reason that I am leaving this to God. We've decided to go "natural" and I have stopped taking birth control. We are not actively "trying" for children, but simply praying that everything will happen in His perfect timing. We know that as long as we have faith He will provide for us and our offspring.

I may not have a job now but I know that He will provide me with one eventually.

Christmas was wonderful. I had a great time with family and received many wonderful gifts from my in-laws.

It's time for bed however. I am exhausted from work today at the dreadful BK dungeon.

*adieu*

Is fuath liom mo phost, Life ró-ghnóthach anois. de dhíth orm vacation.

Update:

Graduated on June 12th.
Took and failed boards on July 7th.
Natalie's wedding July 10th, lbs lost- 0

Right now I have the pleasure of taking boards again on August 28th.

I seriously hate my job at Burger King.

My feet are absolutely killing me.

I need a nap.

That about sums up my life at the moment.

Graduated.... now to take my boards...

C'est La Vie

I was supposed to work today. However so many different things happened so that I find myself here at home. My goal is to catch up on things around the house that I've been neglecting due to my super busy schedule. I've been so exhausted that I just have no energy for anything. All I want to do is sleep. I don't mind working at the hospital but I am getting tired of preceptorship. I am tired of school. I graduate in around a week and I am so ready to be done!

*sigh* I guess that I have to just bear with it.

G'night all.

Insert creative title

Today is day 6.

27 days til graduation

55 days til Nat's wedding.